Long Gone.

People have come and gone in my life.
Some I just simply lost contact.
Many I pushed out.
Why?
Because I made a promise.

Dramatized

-Dramatic music-

I wish music would play anytime I needed to express my emotions. It would be so much easier.

Simply Me.

When I get nervous I'm either really shy and don't talk; or I babble uncontrollably, slurring, stuttering and stumbling over my words. Only to talk about random nonsence that most likely that person I am conversing with doesn't even care about.

Both are equally embarrising.

Devotional Conquest

Strung out. Freedom. None.
Talk to one. Talk to none.
Weak willed.
No Control.
I'm small.
You're big.
Can't run.
No where to hide.
Stuck in the middle.
Pull me aside.

Deppression Sets in I'm Drowning Again

Deppression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is the plain and simple reduction of feeling... People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile.

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence. They say they don't know when but a day is gonna come. When there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun. It will just go black. It will just go back to the way it was before.

If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.

But what if you don't completly know the nature of the beast? What if there is no reason for that beast to be there? Then what?
I am like a small bird..that senses the dawn and starts singing carefully while it's still.. dark. Writing is the brink from life to death; you either write your last words or you write to cope with your problems.

I'm going to bed.

Happiness

Anne Frank:

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all differnt and yet the same.

Distant Memories

Devine Intervention

I have decided I am going to conduct an experiment. I am going to slowly start wearing less and less makeup. I want to see if people start thinking I look "Sick", If I get carded, If people start saying I look like shit. (Which that has happened, when people aren't used to seeing you "Naked" -without makeup- A person tends to get that response. :] )

This is going to be a big change from my usual dark smokey eyes and foundation. This is an experiment for self righteousness.

Self Righteousness- is a feeling of smug moral superiority

The Magic's in the Makeup

I have noticed something. I have hardly any self confidence anymore. I may just be feeling down in the dumps right now but if I made a Pros and Cons list about myself.. The Cons would rival the Pros by alot.

I was looking through my photos and I noticed I have no pictures of myself without makeup. All though I have a lot of pictures I dont like hardly any of them. I have been talking to alot of people I used to go to school with. Some of the people I really didn't even converse with much in the past, I am talking to alot now. I'm getting to know alot of people I never even thought of myself talking to much, or maybe better put, I never thought they wanted to talk to me very much.

I'm noticing something though. Everyone has changed so much. I know there is a very noticable change in myself. I'm not as energetic. I'm more laid back.

I look back on how I used to be and I am kind of glad for the change. I serperate myself from the drama aside from putting myself in the middle. I care alot less of what people think of me. I am not as timid when it comes to confrontations, but also I completly close myself off from society. I rarely go out. I hardly talk to anyone. I am no longer as physical as I used to be. Therefore I am no longer anorexic skinny like I used to be.

Alot of people have shockingly said that they like the new me better than the old me. I can see why, I was hyper active and annoying. I was the girl that would be anyones friend and trusted to easily.

The only downfall to change is sometimes I don't know who I am anymore.

Crushed Addiction

I have been thinking about quitting smoking. I know I should but I honestly don't know if I want too. The gov't is raising the price and tax on them again and it's getting pretty hard to afford. I always said when I got pregnate I would quit. Which I know I will. But the stress level in my life right now is off the chart.. as always.

I stress over things more than I should so I guess its my fault. Or maybe I am making up excuses just because I dont want to quit? Aaron hates that I smoke, and I don't blame him. It is a disgusting nasty habit... that keeps me sane.

Crushing an Addiction is a hard thing to do when it's slowly crushing you.

Laughing Lovers

Well plans today with my parents got canceled. Im pretty sure they made up some bullshit excuse, but despite my letdown and small bit of depression tonight has made a surprising turn for the better. I was just sitting outside talking to Sheila about everything and some random things and we got on the subject about me and Aarons future.

Aaron has been talking about starting a family alot lately. We were at Trevors for bible study Monday night and Aaron told them how much he wanted what they had. A happy marriage and kids. I guess he also told Sheila he wanted THE LEAST three kids. And how he would marry me now and start a family if he had a better job and we could afford it. Hearing this I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. I got butterflies again. Which I have to say I haven't felt butterflies like this in a long time. I mean I still get them occasionally, but this litterly makes me so happy my heart hurts. I know it sounds silly and mushy to say, but I really am having chest pains because of it. Nothing really painful, I just kind of feel like I am on a cloud.

Aaron and I have discussed all of this before. When we first got together he was saying how he NEVER wanted kids. I told him if he didnt want kids we wouldnt last long and we had no future. Because thats something I really want one day. I want to have kids when I am still young. So if I got pregnate now. I can honestly say I would be estatic.

Tonight we are going to have a movie night away from computers and video games. We havent done that in a long time. I really just want to cuddle him all over and love on him right now. Ever since he has been getting saved and reading the bible more and such he is turning back into the man I fell in love with BUT EVEN BETTER. Maybe I am just in a good mood. But I kind of feel like I am falling in love with him all over again

Nervous Wreck

I am clutsing out. I am jittery and nervous. I am dropping everything and I cant sit still. Why? All because Aaron and I are going to my parents after he gets off of work. I am desperatly trying to look my best, make sure my make up hair and clothes are perfect. Once again, why?

Because I am trying to impress my parents. I wish I was more like my sisters. They can just say what they think and not care if it is family or who it is. I have a bad feeling it is going to get canceled. I dont know why. Aaron said he would go and act like an angel. Even if he knows they are being fake to him. He is doing this for me.

Mom was saying how she had to work on dad so damn hard just so Aaron can come over. Which is a load of crap, because she also was saying he couldnt come over. But I am not going to say anything to avoid the drama.

Also mom and dad said they were sharing a cell phone and mom no longer had one. Then at the end of our conversation on myspace she said she had to go because my dad usually texts or calls her around that time on his break. Once again I did not say anything to avoid the drama. I don't need to hear another lie from the people I think so much of.

I shouldn't be this nervous just to go over to my parents house. I am going to end up making myself sick by the end of the day, before Aaron even gets home. What sucks most is I only have one more cigerette left until Sheila gets home at 2:30 or 3:00. Its 11:10 now.

And to top that off on the way to Portland I can't smoke in the car anymore because it bothers Aaron. I'm hoping Aaron stays in a good mood and doesn't make things worse. We both hate going to Portland because of the bad memories, then every time we pass through Aaron gets in a really bad mood.. I really hope he doesnt do that today.. I cant take that right now.