Love Lies.

Yeah.. I miss the old times. Yes, I miss what we used to be. But you were not healthy for me. I wish you the best. Even if you hate me. I would much rather prefer you hate me than dwell in pain without me.

Well anyways. I am thinking medication. Doctors prescribed... My mother suggested it. I hate Doctors, so I will most likely not pursue this. I have come to notice I have horrible taste in men. Seems I go after all of the ones that treat me like shit. I allow this. Therefore I should not be complaining.
Dan came over last night.. It was really fucking weird. Nicholas and David both said that they didn't like the way he kept staring at me. I don't completely trust him. I felt like he was interrogating me for information so he can run back and tell Aaron. Of coarse I told him a few fibs about myself. I told him I smoked weed all the time. All day everyday. Why not? Just because I don't doesn't mean it isn't funny. Aaron is running around telling a bunch of lies about me that aren't even close to true.
I don't understand Aaron. He is so judgmental. Sometimes I wonder if he has the mental compasity of a teenager, I wonder if he believes his own lies?

I DID NOT have to give him his DND papers back. You think the guy would be greatful? I was trying to do the right thing. I dropped them off at random. He wasn't there. I got lucky. I DID NOT WATCH HIS HOUSE... As he claims. Sorry sweetie you aren't that special. I work 9 hours a day.. everyday.. when I get off work I am tired.. When the hell would I be able to make time to watch your house? Now that is just silly.
Does he get off making up these lies about me? I think he just does that to make himself feel better.. Maybe hurt less?

No. I know Aaron. He will say how much he hates me... how horrible of a person I am.. only to try and convince himself that it is true. He still loves me. He will always love me. Three years is a hard thing to forget. It just depresses me that he downgraded and went back with Arika. He can do so much better than that trash. She is going to tear his heart out. And he is going to let her.
I have come to realize after I left Aaron... It completely changed me. It's like I am the old me wrapped in a completely new one. If that makes any sense at all.
I am nicer...to everyone.

I let people walk all over me and take advantage... I do miss Aaron a lot though. My mind goes back to that a lot but I just tell myself that it's for the best. I just can't believe him. I have not done anything wrong... but leave. Can he not handle someone walking out of his life? He really is going to stoop so low as to believe hearsay?

I think I am going to change all my account passwords again. Just to be cautious. I really have nothing to hide. I think I just will change them so Michelle can't use them anymore.
I miss the old times. The late nights. The BK runs. WoW. (Which depresses me dearly how much hard work I put into that game and I can not even have my account)
Anime. Colton. Riley. My bed. My garage. My Aaron. I guess I can no longer claim him huh? lol

Well that is fine with me. Funny how much of a better person I am than her.
:) I will always love Aaron and he will always have that little place in his heart for me. I am still naming my children the names we discussed. I just wish I had my damned notebook with all of MY character names. I would never stoop to Arikas level and talk to Aaron while he is with her. Even though she does NOT deserve that luxury that I didn't have... I am an adult. And the bigger person.

I need a shower. But my bed is so comfy.. lol.

Mac Donalds!

Ace is bringing me Mcdonalds. I haven't really eatin much today. My eating habits aren't the best. I am just to busy to eat.
New tattoo= amazing.
New Car= Epic
New Hair= :)
New Boy= <3
New Friends= (:
New Job= ;)
New Place.. and I am loving it.

New Life. Yep I am doing fine without you.

Falling

I am falling.
This is going to hurt.
Bad ending.. waiting for me.
I know.

But I can't seem to hang on to anything to stop my fall.
Damn it.

( I love how I can write silly things that are so random and only make sense to me )

Why?

Why is it when I get drunk..
I have a wonderful time?
But when I am alone... it depresses me?
I want to leave right now. More than ever.
Why can't I?

~Repunzel

Hate me Today.

I cant trust anyone. I feel sick. I hate my life.

Shakey

My hands are always shakey anymore.
Everyone thinks I am nervous.
I'm not.
I don't know whats wrong with me.

On the Run.

I'm going to pack my bags, leave everything here.
Run away, run away from here.
Never look back.
Why can't we all have a life like that?
Just sitting back, soaking up the sun.
Life on the run.

Seether - Rise Above This

FML

I got a phone finally! But last night I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself. And lost my phone battery. Then to top that off Ein chewed the back of it. I can't find my battery anywhere. Work sucked today.

All I have had to eat is two sausage links and a piece of bread ... I am just to damn depressed to eat. Work was horrible today. I miss my family. I am so homesick it isn't funny. I don't know what I am doing with my life anymore. I am just really upset.

Last night I guess I stayed on the phone with Tyler until like 4am. Then Aaron flipped out because he thought I had taken pills or something and drank. So he told his mom... that didn't go over well. She JUST woke up, It was 4am. And I HAD to make it worse by saying.. "Yeah I drank the whole fucking bottle so what?"

Then I continued to blow off at the mouth by saying "Fuck.. fuckk.. fuckkk."
And "I WILL GO TO FUCKING BED!"

Really.. I don't even know why I drank so much. I didn't really think it was that big of a deal. I was having a good time. It made me happy. Even if I was drinking alone. I am hoping that Aarons old phone battery will work in my phone. I don't want to have to buy a whole new phone if the battery is more expensive than what I paid for the phone.. then I am going to have too...

Fuck yo Couch

The couch is comfy.. but lonley.. -.-

Intoxicated

Intoxicated, I am happy.
Intoxicated, I am happy.
bahahahah'

I had a poem thinger like ready and shit.. but idr the rest......................
:)

Bipolar Panda Bear

Morning.. Bipolar & still aggitated.. My fault.
Evening.. Arguement... over a phone... My fault?
After Work... Arguement over phone... Annoyed..
Walmart.. decided not to get phone and gave in.. My Fault.
Night time... happy. No arguements.

....

Goodnight.

New Friends

I just recently started chatting with Pastor Neil Rinker.. He is nice. Seems pretty laid back, our conversations dont revolve around god constantly. He tells me alot about his life and such. It surprises him how much he can tell me I think. I guess I have that affect on some people. Alot of people come to me for vent, advice, or just a friend to talk to.

Also Tyler Mills and I have started speaking. Funny how so many people I never associated with in High School can turn out to be such nice people. :)

I also started talking with Everett. He told me he always thought I was a stuck up bitch in High School. I guess I always walked around looking pissed off at the world. I hated my life in High School. So it is understandable. I look back now and wonder.. why I hated my life? Teenage hormones? Mood Swings? Who knows. I prefer to not think about it.

All of these people have something in common though. Their opinions of me are flattering. They all say the same thing. Almost like it is rehearsed for my own self-esteem. I wonder if I would have spoken to these people more in the past if they would have all had the same opinions of me or would have grown tired of me and eventually lost contact? hmm... Something to ponder on.

Fatigue

I am fatigued.
No energy.
A bit light headed from time to time.
All I have had today was a jello cup and it is 5:10 p.m.
Yet I am not hungry.
The fact that I can't eat may be the reason I feel the way I do.
I can't think properly... I keep spacing out and my eyes won't stay focused..
I just got a glass of lemonade and the lemon shavings about made me gag... I am definatly not eating now.

Is it bad that I don't care? The fact that this is an everyday thing that I don't really eat... IS unhealthy.. Yes, BUT Any other day I at least eat once, then piece around. The only differnce between today and yesterday is, I just don't feel well and I'm not eating at all. It's only one day. Not like one day will kill me. Besides... this is making my stomach shrink, therefore I eat less, then I am less likely to gain weight back so easily.

I feel as if I could possibly get sick, but I have no food in my system to throw up. bleh.

Lost Weight..

I lost weight..
I am happy.
I really didnt do it the healthy way.. I just have no appetite.. I eat.. Once a day and snack around the rest of the day..
I need to keep this in check, Not let it get to far. So I'm not underweight again.
I just have no appetite at all anymore.
I can't say I am not happy that I am losing weight though. :)

Annoyed

I am learning I really can't trust ANYONE.
No matter who it is.. how much I think they are my friend.
They usually end up fake, using me, or two face.

hmmm... I trust to easily. I try to say I trust no one. But As soon as I find a liking to someone I don't think I want to believe that they are shitbricks.

Whatever. I am going to keep my piece of mind. I just don't want to care. I will not allow myself to get upset over such a petty thing.

Anyways, I slept in the garage again last night. Aaron was on his game again and I couldnt sleep. He woke me up at 5am for me to come to bed....
2nd night in a row I slept out there.

I got a bit testy with him this morning. Because of the time he had finally decided to depart from his game... He said next time he just won't come get me.... And I said..."Don't"

I don't think he could fall asleep without me. So he will still come in there to fetch me for bed. I am beginning to enjoy solitude more.

Pet Peeves

I have been wanting to write out this list for a while now. I just havent gotten around to it. So here goes.

Pet Peeves

#1 I can't stand it when people eat with their mouths open, chew loudly, talk with food in their mouths, or have to lick each and every finger loudly while eating.

#2 Two-face people.. Don't be fake.. Just say what you think. That shit is childish.

#3 People that are fake...

#4 When people pick at their toes... That's just nasty.. get the damn toenail clippers!

#5 When people try to put their noses in other peoples business.

#6 Liars.

#7 Preppy girls.

#8 Stuck up arrogant guys.

#9 When people make fun of other people rudely when the other person has done nothing wrong.

#10 Bullies.

#11 When people try to put you in their business and try to get you to be their "Spy" for someone else. To find things out.

#12 People that talk shit behind your back.. online.. through a phone.. But never to your face. Just say it to my face and man up!

#13 The number six.

#14 Being falsely accused.

#15 When people that are of age talk like a baby all the time.

#16 When people say one thing and do another.

#17 When people say that they are your friend when they really aren't.

#18 People constantly judging others.

#19 Being Confused.

#20 Being told what to do all the time.

#21 Being told Who I am.. What I am going to do.. And how things are going to be.

#22 Arguements that could be avoided.

#23 Anyone that has inside jokes about you that are obviously making fun of you.. But they won't admit it.

#24 Friends that are only your friend when they need "entertainment."

#25 Constantly being reminded of a mistake.

#26 When people won't talk to you.. tell you what is wrong.. Instead of avoiding the situation. Have a conversation about it like and adult to fix the damn problem.

#27 When people text when you are trying to have a serious conversation.

#28 Talking badly about my Family.No matter how stupid they can be. Only I can say bad things about them.

#29 Talking badly about my friends.

#30 People that think they are always right.

#31 Telling me how to live my life.

#32 Anyone that logs onto my account and doesnt tell me.

#33 Reading over my shoulder.

#34 Constantly tryin to act innocent when you come in the room... But really you're trying to see what I am doing.

#35 Being interrogated constantly over small stupid things.

#36 Talking like a valley girl.. THAT IS ONLY OKAY FOR A GAY MAN!

#37 Users.

#38 Anyone that just.. Can't let go.

#39 When I can't put my foot down with things.

#40 Feeling Trapped.

#41 Not knowing what I want.

#42 Having to rely on others for something I want or need.

#43 Not having my own income, or job.

#44 Not having my own transportation.

#45 Not being able to do what I want when I want to do it.

#46 People that make a big deal out of stupid shit. Get over it. Your life isnt ending.. Other people are alot worse off than you are.

#47 People interupting me in a conversation.

#48 If I have to repeat myself more then five times.. there is no point in saying it.

#49 Moochers.

#50 Feeling like a mooche.

#51 Acid Relfex.

#52 Shitty waitresses.

#53 Being rushed.

#54 If you procrasinate.. When I NEED to be somewhere.. That pisses me off. HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ALREADY!

#55 People that wont own up to their mistakes.

#56 Hypocrites.

#57 People that say one thing... but won't admit that they said it later on.

#58 Bible humpers.

#59 Anyone that trys to shuve their religion down your throat.. No matter what my faith is.. or if I have any.. That is my business. No one elses. I don't want to hear how I sin. How I SHOULD get baptized. How I SHOULD BE. If GOD wanted perfection.. He wouldnt have allowed us to make our own mistakes.

#60 Mood swings.

#61 Not being taken seriously.

#62 Trying to plead a case thats pointless.

#63 Being brought in the middle of shit then getting blamed.

#64 People that think they do no damn wrong.

#65 People that take part in the wrong doing but then say something completly stupid about the other person like it was all them..

#66 The number sixty-six

#67 People that don't make their kids mind.

#68 People that have others fight their battles for them.

#69 I hate the way I am now.

#70 Not being able to think of anymore let alone wanting to write anymore

Kit Kat

I am tired and a little bit random.
I like being vague.
It helps me keep more to myself but yet still get something out.
:)

My last blog made me crave a kit kat bar.
Craving a Kit Kat Bar reminds me of my old Nick Name... Kitty.
Kitty reminds me of That 70s show.
Which makes me have hopes of being that cute when I am older.
There is only one person that still calls me Kitty.. And That is Elayne.
I miss Elayne..

hmm.. I think I may go to bed. I have a lot on my mind. But I think I will keep it all there. Locked away safe inside my own head.
I like it that way.

People get annoyed if you start to ramble on and on about your life and problems.
I don't know why I started back up.
Even if they say the arent annoyed they are, They are either just being polite.. or Psycho Analyzing you.

And I don't like either of those. I would rather be told to shut the hell up rather than deal with your politeness of not really caring. And I don't believe in Psycho Analyzing. I think its all a load of bull. Psychiatrist are full of shit also. Want to know why I think this way? Ask me. I will blog about it.

This time I am throwing away the key. :)
No more opening up to people for me. I am a better listener anyways.

Break Time.

I am a little confused.
Maybe the break is a good thing. Let's try it.

hmm..

Exotica

I have always loved flowers.. but I don't really think I have a favorite type of Flower like most women do.
I am beginning to like purple lilacs though. The smell reminds me of my grandmother.
If there were any other flowers I think I would be fond of.. I think it would be anything exotic.
I think any girl loves getting flowers.. but they are all so expensive.. and they just die anyways.
I would prefer something that last longer.. Something I can cherish and hold onto.

But then again I think a kiss is a perfect gift... and that is just a memory isn't it? And getting flowers is also a fond memory one can hold onto isnt it? Well I guess I can't say I don't like getting flowers. That would be a lie.

I would love to be exotic like a delicate flower. :) But sadly, I dont think I could pull off the exotic look.

Lets Be Honest

Lets Be Honest.

ONE- I am 20 years old and I feel like I should be a bit more excited for my 21st.


"I am internet Stalked"

TWO- I have had 1,296 Pageviews on my myspace.. and it is a new account. All of my videos on youtube have been getting insane amounts of views. (For me.. It's alot) And it doesnt even really bother me. I think it is funny. Because I know of at least one person that is obsessed with me.

Which leads me to my next thing.

THREE -There is a girl that for some odd reason makes herself come off like she WANTS TO BE ME. She copies my hair.. Does what I do. Ect. (You know the whole stalker thing) And honestly that doesnt bother me either. I am flattered.


FOUR- I don't really trust anyone anymore. I have some friends I have always wondered about, but I don't think I really wanted to believe that they were untrustworthy... And if they don't get it by now that I am talking about them.. then... wow.

FIVE- I hate that I am an adult and by law I am held responsible for my own actions. I hated it when I turned 18. And I hate it now. I would give anything to be 16 again.

SIX- I like to fight. It's my dirty secret. Even if I can't win.. I love the rush.

SEVEN- I couldn't and still can't hit someone I care about. I have to really dislike the person to get in an actual physical fight with them.

EIGHT- I love to wrestle... but I'm always scared I will get to rough.

NINE- I fall in love with anime characters, and characters from books and movies.

TEN- Harsh words from loved ones still affect me, but when people I don't really care about talk badly of me.. It doesnt bother me at all.

I Procrasinate.

Last night I barely slept at all. I stayed up later than I usually do, talking to a really good friend, and Aaron was playing Left 4 Dead with Mike until almost 2 in the morning. I said my goodnights to my friend at probally one in the morning. I was so tired and ready for bed and both Mike and Aaron were sprawled out on the bed and I couldnt lay down.

I asked nicely if they could just finnish up their game.. and maybe just do one more. It just took longer than I expected to finnish their game. Then when I finally went to lay down.. It probally took me an hour to finally fall asleep.

I probally went to sleep around 3am. And I got up at around 8:30. Which is good because I got to get a shower and everything before the guys woke up. They have to go to martial arts today and be there at 11:30. I need to get the dishes done so I will probally stay home...maybe.. I don't know yet.. Depends on how much I procrasinate, which will probally be alot.

How much longer?

I am really starting to feel like I am never going to get a job. It is really starting to bring me down. I hate having to rely on everyone else for my wants and needs. Everything in my life is slowly getting better. My family and I are taking again. We are all on good terms. Mom and Dad plan to take me and Aaron to Florida in October and Kings Island or Indiana Beach in July. My nephew is staying the night tommorow and going to Decatur with us Saturday to watch Aaron at Taekwondo.

I am taking him to DZ Gaming to look for a new Pokemon game. I have been slowly putting my foot down more with things. I have been walking around with Shayla in Decatur while Aaron is in class. So I don't have to sit there bored. Aaron and my relationship is getting better, but my life is still lacking. I feel like a bum. I want out of this house. I want my own place. I need a car. I need a job.

I am going to be twenty-one and I have all of these goals that seem so unattainable. If I had a car it would be so much easier for me. Sometimes I really wish I never moved out of my parents house, and I wish I would have just pushed for my relationship more without leaving. If I had done everything differntly I would still have a car, a job, my own money, and possibly be in college.

I just wish I could get a job somewhere, anywhere. I am two hops and a skip from just going to Red Gold whether Sheila and Aaron like it or not. Aaron doesn't want me in a factory because of "guys" and them hitting on me. Sheila and Aaron BOTH don't want me at Red Gold because of all of the perverted mexicans and things that go on there.

I am a grown woman. I think I am capable of making my own decisions. I trust myself, why can't they trust me as well? Just because there are questionable things at a work place doesn't mean I am going to take part in them. Just because a man hits on me doesn't mean I am going to allow it. I am and always have been completly faithful to Aaron. I just wish he could see I can take care of myself and that I am not completly helpless.

I need to mustar up the courage to just put my foot down and stand my ground and just try at Red Gold anyways. Sheila seems to think that I am not going to be able to HANDLE a hard working job. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A HARD WORKER! I just haven't had a job since I have lived here so no one could really see that to make their accusations.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. Sitting around and doing nothing. I am not the type of person that likes not doing anything. I don't like having to rely on everyone else to take care of me. I want my independence back. I want my life back. I want my damn bank account back!

I need a swimsuit, I want my hair back to my natural color, I need clothes, I need a car, I need my own place, and all of these things are so far out of my reach. I know as soon as I go to Red Gold it is going to be an argument with Aaron. He is going to get angry with me again and tell me how I am going back on my word. How I promised we would compromise where I work. How I wouldn't work at a factory. I can't help to go back on my word. Especially since I didn't want to give it anyways. Not over something so silly. Not when it is something that I really want for myself. I need this job, any job really. How much longer can I wait before losing my sanity?

We are never going to have anything if niether of us can work. I am getting so frustrated at my situation. I just had Sheila take me to the factory down the road from us... I was about to walk in and their was a sign on the door that said "We are not accepting applications" Great right?

IS ANYONE ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS?! AM I EVER GOING TO MOVE FORWARD IN MY LIFE?! Three years with out a job is to damn long. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown but I won't let myself stoop that damn low. I swear I am never going to cry over anything ever again. I am never going to let my tears fall. As long as I can help it. Im just going to keep on smiling and trying to remember someone else out there has it worse off than I do.... Someone..

I am not looking forward to an argument.

Long Gone.

People have come and gone in my life.
Some I just simply lost contact.
Many I pushed out.
Why?
Because I made a promise.

Dramatized

-Dramatic music-

I wish music would play anytime I needed to express my emotions. It would be so much easier.

Simply Me.

When I get nervous I'm either really shy and don't talk; or I babble uncontrollably, slurring, stuttering and stumbling over my words. Only to talk about random nonsence that most likely that person I am conversing with doesn't even care about.

Both are equally embarrising.

Devotional Conquest

Strung out. Freedom. None.
Talk to one. Talk to none.
Weak willed.
No Control.
I'm small.
You're big.
Can't run.
No where to hide.
Stuck in the middle.
Pull me aside.

Deppression Sets in I'm Drowning Again

Deppression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is the plain and simple reduction of feeling... People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile.

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence. They say they don't know when but a day is gonna come. When there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun. It will just go black. It will just go back to the way it was before.

If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.

But what if you don't completly know the nature of the beast? What if there is no reason for that beast to be there? Then what?
I am like a small bird..that senses the dawn and starts singing carefully while it's still.. dark. Writing is the brink from life to death; you either write your last words or you write to cope with your problems.

I'm going to bed.

Happiness

Anne Frank:

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all differnt and yet the same.

Distant Memories

Devine Intervention

I have decided I am going to conduct an experiment. I am going to slowly start wearing less and less makeup. I want to see if people start thinking I look "Sick", If I get carded, If people start saying I look like shit. (Which that has happened, when people aren't used to seeing you "Naked" -without makeup- A person tends to get that response. :] )

This is going to be a big change from my usual dark smokey eyes and foundation. This is an experiment for self righteousness.

Self Righteousness- is a feeling of smug moral superiority

The Magic's in the Makeup

I have noticed something. I have hardly any self confidence anymore. I may just be feeling down in the dumps right now but if I made a Pros and Cons list about myself.. The Cons would rival the Pros by alot.

I was looking through my photos and I noticed I have no pictures of myself without makeup. All though I have a lot of pictures I dont like hardly any of them. I have been talking to alot of people I used to go to school with. Some of the people I really didn't even converse with much in the past, I am talking to alot now. I'm getting to know alot of people I never even thought of myself talking to much, or maybe better put, I never thought they wanted to talk to me very much.

I'm noticing something though. Everyone has changed so much. I know there is a very noticable change in myself. I'm not as energetic. I'm more laid back.

I look back on how I used to be and I am kind of glad for the change. I serperate myself from the drama aside from putting myself in the middle. I care alot less of what people think of me. I am not as timid when it comes to confrontations, but also I completly close myself off from society. I rarely go out. I hardly talk to anyone. I am no longer as physical as I used to be. Therefore I am no longer anorexic skinny like I used to be.

Alot of people have shockingly said that they like the new me better than the old me. I can see why, I was hyper active and annoying. I was the girl that would be anyones friend and trusted to easily.

The only downfall to change is sometimes I don't know who I am anymore.

Crushed Addiction

I have been thinking about quitting smoking. I know I should but I honestly don't know if I want too. The gov't is raising the price and tax on them again and it's getting pretty hard to afford. I always said when I got pregnate I would quit. Which I know I will. But the stress level in my life right now is off the chart.. as always.

I stress over things more than I should so I guess its my fault. Or maybe I am making up excuses just because I dont want to quit? Aaron hates that I smoke, and I don't blame him. It is a disgusting nasty habit... that keeps me sane.

Crushing an Addiction is a hard thing to do when it's slowly crushing you.

Laughing Lovers

Well plans today with my parents got canceled. Im pretty sure they made up some bullshit excuse, but despite my letdown and small bit of depression tonight has made a surprising turn for the better. I was just sitting outside talking to Sheila about everything and some random things and we got on the subject about me and Aarons future.

Aaron has been talking about starting a family alot lately. We were at Trevors for bible study Monday night and Aaron told them how much he wanted what they had. A happy marriage and kids. I guess he also told Sheila he wanted THE LEAST three kids. And how he would marry me now and start a family if he had a better job and we could afford it. Hearing this I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. I got butterflies again. Which I have to say I haven't felt butterflies like this in a long time. I mean I still get them occasionally, but this litterly makes me so happy my heart hurts. I know it sounds silly and mushy to say, but I really am having chest pains because of it. Nothing really painful, I just kind of feel like I am on a cloud.

Aaron and I have discussed all of this before. When we first got together he was saying how he NEVER wanted kids. I told him if he didnt want kids we wouldnt last long and we had no future. Because thats something I really want one day. I want to have kids when I am still young. So if I got pregnate now. I can honestly say I would be estatic.

Tonight we are going to have a movie night away from computers and video games. We havent done that in a long time. I really just want to cuddle him all over and love on him right now. Ever since he has been getting saved and reading the bible more and such he is turning back into the man I fell in love with BUT EVEN BETTER. Maybe I am just in a good mood. But I kind of feel like I am falling in love with him all over again

Nervous Wreck

I am clutsing out. I am jittery and nervous. I am dropping everything and I cant sit still. Why? All because Aaron and I are going to my parents after he gets off of work. I am desperatly trying to look my best, make sure my make up hair and clothes are perfect. Once again, why?

Because I am trying to impress my parents. I wish I was more like my sisters. They can just say what they think and not care if it is family or who it is. I have a bad feeling it is going to get canceled. I dont know why. Aaron said he would go and act like an angel. Even if he knows they are being fake to him. He is doing this for me.

Mom was saying how she had to work on dad so damn hard just so Aaron can come over. Which is a load of crap, because she also was saying he couldnt come over. But I am not going to say anything to avoid the drama.

Also mom and dad said they were sharing a cell phone and mom no longer had one. Then at the end of our conversation on myspace she said she had to go because my dad usually texts or calls her around that time on his break. Once again I did not say anything to avoid the drama. I don't need to hear another lie from the people I think so much of.

I shouldn't be this nervous just to go over to my parents house. I am going to end up making myself sick by the end of the day, before Aaron even gets home. What sucks most is I only have one more cigerette left until Sheila gets home at 2:30 or 3:00. Its 11:10 now.

And to top that off on the way to Portland I can't smoke in the car anymore because it bothers Aaron. I'm hoping Aaron stays in a good mood and doesn't make things worse. We both hate going to Portland because of the bad memories, then every time we pass through Aaron gets in a really bad mood.. I really hope he doesnt do that today.. I cant take that right now.